Emotional Infiltration

So there I was, sitting in my Human Development class when we started in on the topic of relationships.

Oh fuck.

As many of you know, I've had my share of f'ed up boyfriends and dating situations.

But for some reason, that day my mind was focused on Matt and all the horrible things that occurred between us.

No, he did not abuse me. No, he didn't steal all my money and buy drugs. No, he didn't force me into prostitution or anything like that.

He used me and emotionally abused me.

I guess on some level in the beginning, he did love me in some sick, twisted way, but things just continued on way too long.

Since that day, I've had my mind suck on him. I've never hated someone as much as I hate him. I literally wish that he would drop dead. It would be doing me and the world a favor.

And since that day I haven't been able to shake that feeling -- I haven't been able to stop thinking about my pure hatred for him.

Why is it that someone who is usually as cool and calm as me can be reduced to a hating, vicious pile of stinking poo just by one person? Why do I let myself become this?

I have a wonderful new boyfriend, I'm doing wonderful in school and I know that I will achieve SO much more in life than he will and have such a richer life then he will.

But why is it that when I'm driving down the road, I get assaulted with flashbacks of the memories of all the times he yelled at me or called me names or tor me down.

I wish he had never been in my life. I wish he could know what he's done to me. How much he as scared me. I wish he could pay for it.

But he'll pay for it in the long run. His life will be so much darker and harder then mine will be because of his choices and the way he lives his life (and I'm not talking about the fact he's gay. He just makes genuinely bad choices).

And while Matt is infiltrating my emotions, David also is.

It's hard being friends with ex's. My current boyfriend doesn't like it and I can't give him a good reason why I'm still friends with David.

I guess I'm not over the IDEA of David. I'm over him: his emotional unavalible-ness, the distance, him being unwilling to commit. I'm not over the idea that every girl has: a prince who says all the right things and exactly the right time and wants to be with you forever.

But, of course, those things change.

I guess..... in some really weird, twisted way, I identify him in my life as a father figure and I don't want to let that go. I don't want to let go of someone who helped me through a lot of pain and heartache. I don't want to let go of someone who I consider interesting just because of the fact that he is british, which is a horrible reason, but still true.

I'm going to try my hardest to stop thinking about both of them from now on. But it's so easy to hate Matt for all the things he's done to me and become so easily ENRAGED at him. I guess God is trying to teach me restraint and, possibly, forgiveness towards Matt, which is going to take some time to conquer.

But for now, I've got school, work, friends and a wonderful man to focus on.

That should keep me preoccupied.

Over and out ♥

I Wish My Brain Had A Built In Blog Function...

... because I have these great ideas to blog about all the time, I just forget about them before I reach a computer.

*le sigh*

Anyway, it's been a while, dear blog of mine, so I need to update.

I have been steadily dating a new boy. His name is Nick, he's 25 and he's AMAZING. It's so refreshing to have a boyfriend who is emotionally available, not gay, doesn't have kids, isn't an asshole and actually in this country. I love that I can drag him to the random places I like to frequent or buy him clothes and he wares them. He also likes me very much, and my nice ass, which is always a plus. He is also AMAZING in bed, but that's more details I'll share later. I'm quite happy with this one :D

School is going really well. I've been getting nothing but A's and B's on assignments and tests. I love living in the dorm. I have my own space with no distractions. I can come and go as I please, do whatever I want and I LOVE it!

Not a whole lot else has been happening in my life. All I really do is go to class or hang out with Nick or study. And I like life like this. It's simple. No drama.

I guess I could talk about my feelings on getting rid of Planned Parenthood....

I am in support of getting rid of Planned Parenthood. Why? Because with the new health care bill, everyone will have insurance. So if you do need to have an abortion or a routine pelvic screening, you can do to an actual doctor and do so. What about free condoms? Most college campus clinics give them out for free. Also abstinence is free :D

Now, since my Sociology class was canceled today, I have all this free time!!!.... to study :P

Over and out ♥

Things I Love/Hate About My Dorm...

Let's start with the Hate...

I hate...

...that the church catty corner to us has this LONG and LOUD song that the bell tower plays every day at 12 noon exactly. It lasts for at least 20 minutes. And I'm pretty sure its a song none of us have heard of.
...that the floor is so quiet. I took a shower last night at 12:30 and thought I was going to wake everyone up. It's too quiet up here.
...that my window has condensation on the inside of it.
...that we have no cable. What so ever. In any of the rooms. I mean, I've been surviving alright with out it. It helps to have a netflix account so I can watch TV shows instantly and Hulu helps, but its not the same as real TV!
...that I have to walk down to the commons area to use the stove. I know, this just sounds like lazyness, but I don't like talking to people sometimes and I don't like having to be out in the open when I cook. I feel like someone is gonna creep on me and be like "WHAT'CHA COOKING?!?" and I'll have to be like "uh.. hum.... stuff."
...that the garbage dumpster is right outside my window. Seriously, the other morning when it was being emptied, I thought the building was collapsing.

On to things that I love

I love...

...that I have my own space and can do whatever the heck I please with it.
...that it is so quiet up here. It makes me very much more inclined to get things done, like the massive amount of reading that I have to do every week.
...that no one bothers me. My mom doesn't even call that frequently, neither does my dad.
...that the walls are SUPER thick here. That means I can have my music up a little louder and no one will complain.
...that my classes are RIGHT below me. So even if I wake up 5 minutes before class starts, I can still get there on time. Also, I don't have to walk through the cold to get there :D
...that I don't live at home anymore. It's nice. I can go hang with friends and do stuff and my parents don't bitch about me about being out late. I mean, I still live at home, that's where my mail gets sent too. But the above mentioned is nice.

6am Phone Calls

So I finally got go talk to David on the phone about all this nonsense. And, needless to say, it didn't help much.

In a nutshell, he said that he just don't have time for a relationship right now. He doesn't want anyone right now except him and the kids.

He also said that he hated that I called so much, but he couldn't pick up the phone and tell me that he didn't want to talk because of guilt. The phone would ring and ring and ring but he felt so guilty about not wanting to talk to me because he was tired after getting off work and was afraid of what I'd say to him that he just wouldn't pick up the phone and sit on the couch and cry.

Now... this makes me feel like shit. It makes me wish I wouldn't have called so much. And I told him that and he kept saying its not me, its him.

He also said that he's just starting to get a life back; he's making friends at work, he has the job that makes him feel like he's contributing to society. Which, ya know, I'm happy for him.

And he kept saying that it's not that he doesn't want me, it's that he doesn't want anybody.

....

I still can't help but take this to heart.

I my mind, if you love someone, you should want to be with them and try to make it work despite the circumstances. I was trying to be supportive of him and talk when ever he had time. And he says he doesn't have time and it's not fair to me.

But... I love him. And I want to make it work.... He just doesn't want anyone in his life right now.

Smile When Your Heart Is Breaking...

So, David broke up with me.

I know, completely out of the blue.

I can't talk to him until Wednesday cause his nephew is staying with him cause his car broke down, which is so dumb. And I told him so, via voice mail.

I honestly don't know what happened. He says that he wants time to figure out what he wants and that we should get realistic about our relationship. Also the distance is hard, which means that I'm not there to cuddle with him and have sex. Well, duh, it's hard on this end too, but I deal cause I know in the end he'd be worth it.

I just want answers. And I've thought about every possible thing he could be thinking until I start balling my eyes out, which just gets me no where.

And then for a few seconds, I feel happy knowing I have great friends and family, but then I sink back into depression that he's not mine...

David's mine. He's suppose to be mine. Not this dumb ass hole who is putting me through hell right now.

Is it weird to say that on some level I'm relieved? I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do after school, I can stay here and continue to get my BSN. I don't have to worry about getting a UK nursing license.

Weird enough, I was talking to Steve about all this today and he made me feel a million times better, but I guess he made me realize that I was putting up with a lot of crap from him. The not calling, the not being there to talk.

Yeah, I know, he has 3 kids and a job, but we were making it work.

At least I thought.

I honestly don't know where all this is coming from. On his part. What the hell changed? What is he thinking? Was he thinking this for a while? Was he pressured to do this? Does he just wanna go out and fuck some girls then be done and come crawling back to me?

I'm so fucking done thinking about this. You think someone is perfect for you, you finally found that one perfect guy who knows everything about you and understands you and makes you feel like a queen, then he goes and does something like this OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE.

I don't get it.

I just want answers... and closure...

And to have him here next to me so I can hold him one last time.

Over and out ♥

3rd Day Of School (I Wish I Had More Clever Titles)

I'm going to stop fretting over stuff I can't control until much later.

If it's meant to happen, it will happen.

And I have a loving and caring boyfriend who supports me no matter what.

That helps a lot :D

Now I'm sitting here waiting for it to become 3:55 so I can walk the 30 steps down the hall to go to the dorm residents meeting.

I still don't know everyone on my floor, except the girl who is next to me and the guy across the hall from me. There are 6 people down on this end of the hall and I think 7 or so on the other end.

I feel kind of ackward not socializing with everyone, but... there's not much to do besides sit around and talk. So....... yeah. lol

That's about it.

Over and out ♥

2nd Day of School

I guess this is the post that I really don't want to write about, but if I want to stick to my new years resolution of getting all my rattling thoughts out and down on paper (or blog), then I need to write.

So last night I was up extremely late researching what it would take me to get a nursing license in the UK. To meet their minimum standards, I'd have to basically get a BSN which would mean another 2 years of school on top of the two years that I need to go through.

This made me horribly, HORRIBLY depressed last night. I started crying and frantically trying to call David.

I eventually got to sleep, but I had a awful dream that David broke up with me via facebook, saying that he couldn't deal with me and my situation with school and calling him all the time.

I then woke up, breathed a sigh of releaf, but was still depressed.

I guess today I've been thinking what else I could do after I got out of school in the UK. I can work for about 6 months here and then go over to Newcastle and try to find a job. There are other things I can do, like do something in the health care field that doesn't require certification (via UK standards). I could do that for about a year or so and see how things work out. Also, it's much easier to move to the UK and get a job if you have someone sponsor you. I could then continue my education there, which would take about 2-3 years if I went full time, and get my certification.

But why I didn't want to write this post is because finding out all this made me seriously question my relationship with David. I mean, I know I need to talk to him about this, maybe not for a while, but it made me wonder if it's even worth it if there is the possibility that we might not even be together for another 4 years.

In 4 years I'll be 25 and he'll be 47. Who knows if he'll still want more kids by then. We had a conversation a while back about me moving to the UK and he was worried that I'd be giving up to much. My feeling is that if I had a job secured, a place to live, and a loving potential husband that I'd have no problem moving there. Yeah, I'd be giving up everything familiar to me, but my friends and family can still come visit and we have facebook and skype to keep in contact with.

I guess my biggest concern is getting a job in the UK. I feel that if I landed a secure job there that everything else would fall into place.

I also feel like I shouldn't be worrying about this currently.... but I can't help that I am.

*big, long, big, big, sigh*

Everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

I just need to believe it.

Over and out ♥