Emotional Infiltration

So there I was, sitting in my Human Development class when we started in on the topic of relationships.

Oh fuck.

As many of you know, I've had my share of f'ed up boyfriends and dating situations.

But for some reason, that day my mind was focused on Matt and all the horrible things that occurred between us.

No, he did not abuse me. No, he didn't steal all my money and buy drugs. No, he didn't force me into prostitution or anything like that.

He used me and emotionally abused me.

I guess on some level in the beginning, he did love me in some sick, twisted way, but things just continued on way too long.

Since that day, I've had my mind suck on him. I've never hated someone as much as I hate him. I literally wish that he would drop dead. It would be doing me and the world a favor.

And since that day I haven't been able to shake that feeling -- I haven't been able to stop thinking about my pure hatred for him.

Why is it that someone who is usually as cool and calm as me can be reduced to a hating, vicious pile of stinking poo just by one person? Why do I let myself become this?

I have a wonderful new boyfriend, I'm doing wonderful in school and I know that I will achieve SO much more in life than he will and have such a richer life then he will.

But why is it that when I'm driving down the road, I get assaulted with flashbacks of the memories of all the times he yelled at me or called me names or tor me down.

I wish he had never been in my life. I wish he could know what he's done to me. How much he as scared me. I wish he could pay for it.

But he'll pay for it in the long run. His life will be so much darker and harder then mine will be because of his choices and the way he lives his life (and I'm not talking about the fact he's gay. He just makes genuinely bad choices).

And while Matt is infiltrating my emotions, David also is.

It's hard being friends with ex's. My current boyfriend doesn't like it and I can't give him a good reason why I'm still friends with David.

I guess I'm not over the IDEA of David. I'm over him: his emotional unavalible-ness, the distance, him being unwilling to commit. I'm not over the idea that every girl has: a prince who says all the right things and exactly the right time and wants to be with you forever.

But, of course, those things change.

I guess..... in some really weird, twisted way, I identify him in my life as a father figure and I don't want to let that go. I don't want to let go of someone who helped me through a lot of pain and heartache. I don't want to let go of someone who I consider interesting just because of the fact that he is british, which is a horrible reason, but still true.

I'm going to try my hardest to stop thinking about both of them from now on. But it's so easy to hate Matt for all the things he's done to me and become so easily ENRAGED at him. I guess God is trying to teach me restraint and, possibly, forgiveness towards Matt, which is going to take some time to conquer.

But for now, I've got school, work, friends and a wonderful man to focus on.

That should keep me preoccupied.

Over and out ♥