New Journeys Through Gastic Bypass

So there I was. At the OB/GYN's office. Staring down the barrel of my old friend, the scale.

I couldn't believe it.

I knew I had put on some weight. My scrubs were fitting a little tighter, but I could still wear them.

But this.

THIS.

I had finally tipped the scales at a weight I had always promised myself I would never get to.

As I sat on the examination table in nothing but a thin paper vest with a paper sheet over my lap, I decided it was time. I was going to whole heartily invest myself in researching having gastric bypass surgery.

I thought of all the things people could say to me if I told them I was thinking about having the surgery.

"You can do it by your self!" "Well isn't surgery dangerous?" "It just seems like you're giving up!"

Well, no, I can't do it by myself. If I was going to, I would have already. Yeah surgery is dangerous, but you know what else is MORE dangerous? Continuing to live at the weight I am. I'm not giving up. I'm accepting that I have lost control of this problem and admitting that I need help.

Oh dear, I just recited one of the Alcoholics Anonymous steps.

So I called the office that is affiliated with the hospital I work at in the same day surgery department. The first thing they asked me after my name was my height and how much I weighed.

Saying the number over the phone to someone made me want to cry.

I understand it's probably a pre screening thing. Like if you're 5' 2'' and weigh 130 pounds, this road is probably not for you so don't waste your time.

They sent me this large packet full of question pages. What diets have you tried, how long did you try that diet, how much weight did you lose, how long have you been over weight, eating habits, ect. ect. I filled them out, all in all taking about an hour and a half to complete the packet.

That night I told my husband about the appointment. I cried so much. He was of course supportive.

I made a list of reasons why I want to have this surgery done so I can loose the weight. In no particular order....

1. I want to ride an airplane with out having to worry about if I fit in the seat or not, let alone if I"m making the person next to me uncomfortalbe.

2. I want to go to Six Flags and ride all the rides (who cares if I have terrible motion sickness!)

3. I want to go to a movie or concert and not worry about crowding out the person next to me or touching thighs.

4. I want to ride in a car with out the seat belt being streched out all the way.

5. I want to make love to my husband with out feeling disgusting.

6. I want to have babies with out being high risk.

7. I want to get off my blood pressure meds.

8. I want to be able to cross my legs like a lady. I've never been able to do that.

I'm sure that as this will grow as I go though this process. It is live changing. I've seen the transformations people have made working at the hospital and taking care of the gastric bypass patients. I guess I wanted to catalog this journey as well. Maybe for posterity, maybe to give myself an emotional outlet. I have my consultation appointment tomorrow, so we will see where I stand after that experience.

When one good thing happens, a bad thing happens...

So I kind of have this feeling about myself that when things are going REALLY well, something just comes along and pisses me off and throws a wrench into things.

Case in point this week, my future sister in law decides to move her wedding from may next year to september 19th THIS YEAR.

This pissed me off because we are getting married October 19th and she has been engaged for way less time than Nick and I have AND its two weeks before our wedding. It's just an inconvience for myself, Nick and Nick's family. To sound kind of selfish, it's kind of burden on people because they have to buy two presents right next to each other.

Anyway, so I asked her WHY OH WHY did she have to move her wedding up.

The response?

God was calling them to do so.

.....

Ok....

Great reason, hun.

And what also pisses me off is its not something you can argue about with out really sounding like an ass. "Oh, GOD is calling you to move this wedding up? Well GOD is calling me to not come to your wedding".

Nick's sister in general pisses me off because she just has no regard for her family and how much she hurts them for not including them in things. I have to deal with her mother crying to me about how she doesn't understand why her daughter won't come visit her when shes a 10 minute drive away and what did she ever do to her to make her hate her so much.

Holy crap, I can't deal half the time with that drama.

It's not that her moving her wedding actually bugs me. It's the fact that she has NO REGARD half the time for anyone but herself.

So, this is me, sounding off on stuff.

That's all.

Over and out.

Horrible person, right here.

So I've been having some horrible thoughts lately.

First one....

- I don't feel good about my self unless I'm better off than other people.

Now let me explain what I mean.

So when I'm taking a test, I don't feel as if I'm doing well on the test unless I'm one of the first people done. I don't consider that my place in the world is 'good' unless I look at people from my past who I hate and see that they are doing worse off then me.

Second one....

- I HATE BEING A TECH IN THE HOSPITAL.

And it's not that I don't have respect for the position. I have mad respect for the women at our hospital who have been techs for all their working lives and rock it so hard. It is an essential part of how a hospital functions properly, but I have this vast skill set now and it frustrates me that I can't do simple nursing tasks because it's not in my defined scope of practice for my current position. And when I do, I either get yelled at or meet resistance from the other techs because it's not what I'm suppose to be doing.

Case in point: the last time I worked, one of my patients was receiving continuous bladder irrigation and part of that is having these huge 3000ml bags of irrigation fluid hung ever hour and a half or so to irrigate the bladder. You empty the foley bag and record the output and hang a new bag. Not a big deal and it takes the stress off the RN. So at change of shift when I was handing my patients off to the other tech I started explaining to her about the CBI and she gets bitchy at me, saying how she doesn't want to do that and I simply say that she needs to notify the RN that he will be responsible for that for the rest of the night. After that I was met with MORE bitchyness. Honestly, how hard is it to hang a damn bag of fluid and empty a foley bag and record the output? Idk

But that's just been on my mind for the past few days.

I graduate in 2 weeks and I cannot wait for that freaking day.

And then the day when I take my NCLEX will be even better.

So ready to get this show on the road.

Over and out,

Christina.

Feeling Weird and Starting a New Diet

The first part of this week was just insane.

I felt like a giant ball of tension wrapped on tin foil and put in a microwave.

... I don't know, that made more sense in my head.

Point is, I was stressed to the max.

My mother and I both work at the same hospital and... lets just say, the hospital is like a sinking ship. We have had two medical doctors pull out, which means no patient admits from them, our endo doctor is gone on vacation and one of the bariatric doctors left or got his license revoked or some weird stuff.

Anyway, I have not worked since Easter, and even then I only worked 4 hours of my 8 hour shift. My mother has been hit also. She gets called off work left and right and her pay checks have suffered.

So monday I get the glorious call from my mother lementing about how my father feels about our money situation. He doesn't know how they will pay for the wedding, I'm not making any money right now (although payments are not due for a good 5 months) and he's just FREAKING OUT.

So mom tells me all this and I start to freak out. I tell Nick, he freaks out. I start to look at our wedding budget and freak out.

To top it all off, Nick had a friend staying over so I couldn't be too stompy angry rage-y about all of it.

So Tuesday wasn't much better. I felt kind of on auto poilet all day. Just kind of sailed through my clincial day, did well with my patient, nothing too exciting.

But that morning I had begun taking this new medication I have gotten from a weight loss clinic. It's call Phentermine and it's basically the same as Ritalin and is closely related to Meth. It's an ampthetamine and basicly all it does is suppress your appetite and make you have more energy.

Holy crap, did it ever.

I don't think I've ever had that much focused energy in.... ever.

But I was just still stressed to the max and just suffering from caregiver role strain. I'm not going to go into the details, but I just wanted someone to wait on me instead of me waiting on them.

Anyway so I took Wednesday off from clinicals and I got SO MUCH DONE. I felt so good. I wasn't stressed.

Yay!

Currently I'm searching for a florist for our wedding and typing up a wedding budget and typing up a tentative wedding day itinerary. So we shall see how that goes.

Over and Out

<3 br="">

Videographer and It's YOUR Day

Is that the correct spelling?

Videographer.... It LOOKS correct, but my spell check doesn't like it.

Anyway, the guy who does videos at the wedding.

This has become a super hot new trend in the wedding world, and rightly so!

Video adds a whole another dimension to the wedding experience and lets you truely capture the day so you may cherish the memories forever.

Wedding videographers can run anywhere from your cousin doing it for free up words of thousands of dollars. I was fortunate enough to have a friend of the family volunteer to do it FO FREE and I am eternally grateful to this person!

I know for a fact that my cousin who was married in Hawaii got video of her wedding taken and it's absolutely beautiful! I can't wait to have my wedding photos along with my memories of a wedding video to cherish for ever and share with my children :D

The only reason why I bring this up today in a post is because my father and I got into an argument about it today. I called and ask if the friend of the family was going to be doing the videos just be sure and he said no. So I panicked. I frantically started searching for a videographer online that we could afford and came across a very nice gentleman in the St. Louis area who used to be a photojournalist for the St. Louis Post Dispatch.

http://www.stlphotoandvideo.com/

But then my father called me back and informed me that the friend of the family was still on board for doing it and I regretfully had to call the man back and cancel my appointment I had made for tomorrow. Apparently he had thought that since I didn't want to use him for our wedding photos that I didn't want him to do the videos either, which is totally not true.

This is where I get into the second part of my title, it's YOUR day.

I had found a photographer online who I LOVED. I loved her style in all her photos and Nick loved her too. I just couldn't see my photos being done by anyone but her. My family wanted me to go with our friend of the family, but I had already had my mind set on this photographer and I didn't care what I had to do to get her. I would work extra shifts to pay for her, whatever, I wanted her.

This might have been my first "bridezilla" moment of the whole wedding process, but I know what I wanted and I stuck to my guns. A wedding is truely the first steps a woman takes on her own and kind of standing up to her parents. Parents have their vision in their head of how they thing their child's wedding will be and often that is not the case.

I personally am in love with our photographer and I cannot wait for her to shoot our wedding. I do not regret my decisions at all, just the turmoil it caused my family that I didn't want to go along with what they wanted.

Here's a link to our blog post from the photographer and a link to her website!

Over and out!
<3 br="">

It's Been A While...

So... It's been a while since I've blogged.

But I would like to get back to doing it.

I like writing out my feelings and thoughts and perhaps teaching someone something.

So here's whats been going on with me the past few months.

1. I got engaged!
-I know, exciting right? Yeah, it's cool. But then there is this thing called a WEDDING that comes along with the big shiny rock.

And a wedding is THE MOST STRESSFUL THING SOMEONE CAN EVER DO TO THEM SELVES.

I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to elope. Just get married and not worry about all the stuff. I do have great friends and family who are supportive and will help with whatever i ask them to do, but there's lots of stuff my fiancee and I have to do, like plan out the music play list.

I will more then likely talk about this more later.

2. I'm graduating nursing school!!!
-And let me tell you I'm almost more excited to do that then get married. I've been working on being a nurse longer than I've known Nick, so it takes a LITTLE more priority over my wedding. As of now.

So this is super stressful also because I'm constantly being tested and scrutinized for my skills and made sure I'm not going to kill someone.

I'm also sure I'll write more about this later also.

3. I'm trying to find a job!!!
-And that is the biggest deal of all. Because with out a job, all my hard work in school will be worth nothing and I won't be able to pay for the wedding or live in my apartment or do anything because everything costs money and agiehjogjsagjasjgsgjdsljgsda.

Ok, as you can see, I get a little crazy.

So I have a job. I work at St. Alexius hospital in south St. Louis and I enjoy working there. I do. Some days I dread going into work because I never know what is going to be thrown at me. I've gotten A LOT of psychiatric experience from working there, less of my choosing, but I defiantly grew as a person and health care professional. And I wouldn't change that for the world.

But the hospital has contiuned to go down hill. Certain doctors have pulled out of the hospital due to personal reasons or because of our new charting system, but I get called off work left and right. It's getting tough. Oh and...

4. I moved in with my fiance!
-We now officially have an apartment together for the past 4 months. And to run of the risk of sounding like one of THOSE people, you TRULY do not know a person until you live with them. I thought I would be fine living with Nick because I've lived in a co-ed dorm for the past 2 years, but oh did we butt heads at first. He has crazy OCD things he has to have me do (like wipe the water droplets off the tub edge when I get out of the shower or where I leave my books out at night) and we have grown together and learned to deal with each others ways (like I cannot stand that he has to use a new towel everytime he showers, so he has started reusing them, thanks to A LOT of my nagging) and we have come out stronger and more connected.

But, man oh man, were those first 2 months rough.

So, I've decided to start blogging again. I don't know if anyone will read these, but hopefully it will help me get out of my head a little bit because I feel like a crazy person most of the time with trying to finish school and work and plan the wedding and find a job and provide for us. And perhaps I will help someone learn from me also. That's always good.

Until next time!

And The Weight Loss Train Begins Again!

But this time with good results.

I've been dieting for a week now and I've already lost 9 pounds WITHOUT exercising.

Woo!

Wanna know how I did it?

Ok, here we go.

1. Go to the store and buy healthy foods.
I'm not talking about vegan non dairy poop shit stuff. I'm just talking about low fat cheeses to replace the cheese you already use or low fat salad dressing or diet soda, what ever you want. And lots of good fruits and vegetables.

2. Start meal planning.
I love meal planning. It allows me to not be obsessed with food all the time.

Perhaps the biggest thing I did was...

3. COUNT YOUR CALORIES.
Read EVERY nutrition label of something you eat. Even vegetables. Look up how many calories are in a banana vs. and orange or zucchini vs. cucumbers. You'll be surprised how quickly all those calories add up when you chose the wrong foods.

I also used a calorie calculator to decide how many calories I needed to cut out to lose weight.
http://howmanycaloriesshouldieat.blogspot.com/ Here is a calculator to figure out how many calories you need to cut from your diet to lose weight.

One rule of thumb is that you take how many calories you need to consume each day and subtract 500 calories from that. That number is the amount it would take you to lose one pound a week. Of course you can do more or less depending on how much you want to lose, but that is a good basis to follow.

Not everyone can do this next step, but...

4. Download "Calorie Counter" on your phone.
This is my life saver. It lets me seamlessly keep track of all my calories for the day, look up the calorie amounts in any (and I do mean ANY) food I eat. It even has a bar code scanner function that lets you scan in off brand foods as well.

5. Weigh/Measure all your food.
It lets you have a more precise grip on what your eating and lets you have more control over your calories. Invest in a cheap digital kitchen scale with a zero out function and a good set of measuring cups.

And to go along with measuring foods...

6. Pay attention to serving sizes.
It's crazy how many serving sizes are in a bag of frozen vegetables or rice. If you follow those and you will also have more of a grip on your calories and can make adjustments where you need.

7. Don't feel like you are banned from certain foods.
Just because you're dieting, doesn't mean you can't have Papa John's Pizza. Look up how many calories are in a slice or two of pizza and make the according adjustments to your daily calorie needs.

So that's about it. 9 pounds, lots more to go!