Christian Women

I'm a Christian.

And I'm proud to call myself that. I attend church as regularly a possible, try not to swear a lot, participate in church activities, give back to the community and try to be an all around good Christian.

.....

Try to be an all around good Christian? What does that mean?

I think a lot of people struggle with this one. For a lot of people it's going to church every Sunday, not swearing at all, not drinking AT ALL (let alone before you're 21), not watching "bad" movies, no sex before marriage, being nice to everyone, hanging out with other Christians, all that good stuff we assume goes along with being a Christian.

And that works for some people. But not me.

See, I was reading this article on Xanga written by this woman who says that women should try to wear as little makeup as possible because makeup is something worldly and a lot of women depend on it to cover up their true selves. They use it as a crutch to cover up a not strong sense of inner beauty, weather they know it or not. Ok, I can understand that cause I don't wear makeup a lot and I feel that I have a very strong sense of inner beauty.

But then this woman made this comment to the article:

"I think it's respectful to your husband to wear makeup, because you look better with it. It's just like taking care in our dress and how we fix our hair...it's part of being feminine. " http://www.revelife.com/738047293/taking-off-your-makeup/

..... WHAT?

So, it's respectful to my husband to hide my inner self and glob on foundation that clogs my pours and put on eye shadow that makes me look like a whore?

Ok, that's a bit intense, but still.

I don't understand why a lot Christian women have this subservient attitude. They have the ideal that they need to get married and have a husband and have lots of kids and stay home and take care of them all day to be a good woman. Yes, I want to marry my boyfriend and have kids with him, but I also want my own job and be able to contribute equally to our household. Does this make me a bad Christian woman? No, it just makes me different from most of the Christian women I know.

Where are the Christian women who want to bring home their own bacon and could care less about what a man thinks about you? Why is it so often that strong women do not believe in religion and think its a crock?

Like, when I think about the women in my church, like the adult females, I find most of them to be rather wishy washy or extremely bitchy. It's like none of them have a true sense of right and wrong and they can't stand up for their morals. None of them are confident, robust women who can be leaders. So what ends up happening is that the men become the leaders and the women fall to the back and just make food.

And it bugs the hell outta me.

So what is there to do? There's stepping up and being an example, which I try to be to the youth in my church. But they're all teenagers and have their heads so far up their asses its hard to get through to them. There's trying to get involved with the adults, but that's also hard to because they are old and set in their ways and any change just rocks the boat to much.

Well, there is always the old stand by of "Be the change you want to see in the world".

Yeah, but that gets old after a while also when you don't see that change.

So, once again, what is there to do?

I don't know. Have to think about that one for a while.

Over and out ♥

What 2010 Has Taught Me...

I do this every year, so here we go!

1. Don't let anyone or anything thing stand in the way of your dreams. Don't let what people will think of you influence your decisions. I know this seems kind of "yeah, duh", but I really learned that this year. I traveled to England to go meet my boyfriend of the first time. I had a lot of haters and a lot of supporters on the subject, and I don't regret a single second of it, only that I didn't go sooner.

2. It's ok to have insecurities about things, but don't let them control your life and keep you from living life.

3. Sometimes it's as hard for someone to tell you something as it is for you to hear it....

4. ...And sometimes you don't know what to think about that something and that's ok. Just accept and move on.

5. I'm growing up and my parents are not dealing with that well.

6. Sex is pretty awesome. I know what the fuss is all about now :D

7. "Hate on me, hater
Now or later
‘Cuz I’m gonna do me
You’ll be mad, baby
(Go ‘head and hate)
Go ‘head and hate on me, hater
I’m not afraid of
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me"

8. England is the mother country for me. I'm going to live there some day.

9. I may be repeating myself, but the truth will set you free. Don't feel bad about telling people the truth or how you feel.

10. If you can't do it, JUST SAY NO.

11. Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

12. "You’re so amazing, you took the time to figure me out
That's why you take me, way past the point of turning me on"

13. No one needs to put up with hurt from someone. Feel free to walk away.

14. As much as it may hurt, sometimes people need to learn a lesson and the only way they can do that is by you not being there for them to hurt you anymore.

15. " I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade." - Iris from "The Holiday"

Update: ANGST!!!!!

Yeah, David's not going to Spain.

He just put that on FB to make his brother jealous.

So..... more freaking out about nothing.

And I found this out like a couple of days ago and just now posted it lol.

Also went to my first Blues hockey game! It was awesome!!!

That's all :D

Why Are People So Cynical About Love?

I don't get it.

Of course, I'm one of those people who is in love so maybe I don't have room to talk about this, BUT STILL...

I guess I don't get why people hate relationships. I can understand wanting to be single for a period of time and being open to guys (or girls) who come your way. And I understand wanting to enter into marriage as a business arrangement, like figuring out how well you will work together financially.

But what I can't understand is getting married to someone just cause it seems like a good idea. With love or some form of it not being the driving factor behind it. Or not wanting to date at all and feeling like some guy will just fall into your lap that you think is decent.

I feel that a partner should build you up, support you no matter what, call you out if you're being dumb, love you unconditional, not keep score, and just all around be someone who compliments your personality and makes you a better person.

I feel that you should enter into marriage under the basis of love and mutual respect for each other, but not solely love.

I learned a long time ago that a relationship cannot survive on love alone.

....

I guess that I've been thinking about the prospect of marriage with David a lot more too. Like realistically. And I don't want to enter into it blindly as I did with Matt. I've been trying to think of things from every possible angle, like money, time, living arrangements, babies, and most importantly love.

Or maybe I'm just ahead of my time and my friends don't have the same ideals as me, like marriage and babies and working and sharing a life with someone, which, ya know, is fine cause they're my friends and I love them no matter what.

It just kinda sucks when I try to talk about marriage and they all say "Noooo! Not for me, not for another couple of years. Even then, I wouldn't want to be with someone who I was all lovey dovey mushy blah with."

Well, yeah, I wanna wait until I get out of school also, but I still like thinking about it and dreaming with David about that stuff.

....

I guess people don't want me to get built up this fairy tale in my head and then have things crash down around me when it doesn't happen....

But who says I can't have my fairy tale? Who ways I can't have my British prince charming with his three children?

Nobody.

I just gotta be smart about it.

And I feel that I have been so far. Just need to keep that train rolling.

Over and out ♥

Age Is Just A Number...

... and I truely believe this.

But, sadly to say, most of the world doesn't.

Tonight I told the group of people I was chatting with at a party that I'm dating a 42 year old.

You would of thought I told them I was the spawn of satin.

Now, I'm not a naive person. I realize what my relationship looks like to other people. Some young, dumb, fat girl is falling for the first person who tells her that they love her. Or I'm trying to get a sugar daddy. Or he just uses me for sex.

None of that is true.

I just hate that I have to sit up in front of a crowd of drunk fuck asses and explain myself for 20 minutes about why my relationship is not weird. I know, I don't have to explain anything to them. It's my life and I'm happy.

But I WANT to.

I'm so incredibly happy with David and I'll fight until the end for our love and relationship because I believe in us. I've never believed in something so strongly and I can't remember the last time I fought for something this hard.

.....

I guess what pissed me off is these people I was with tonight jumping down my throat. And why do I even give a fuck what they think?

Because that's the way it's going to be for the rest of my life if I stay with David.

And I don't want to have to lie about his age or anything. I'm proud of the fact that I date an older man. And the people who know me best know that I wouldn't put myself in a situation that I didn't feel was right for me.

And the people who know me best know that I'm sooooo happy with David. I'm the happiest I've been in years thanks to him. And I keep saying all this over and over because it seems like no one believes me and all they do is look at the fucking fact that he's 42 and not how happy he makes me.

It drives me up the wall.

And I wish i could change peoples point of views.

But I can't. All I can do is rely on myself, my true friends and David for support.

Over and out ♥

Friends

I thought about writing this post last night in that weird time when you're awake, but you're just beginning to dream.

I have a lot of friends. I've always had a lot of friends. Even now as I've gotten out of high school and into college, I still have a lot of friends.

I've come to find out that the older you get, the more your circle of "true friends" shrinks. I mean, I can see how this would happen. People move or get on with their lives and the ones that stay around are the true ones you can count on. People also change and grow apart and values change between friends. What was once important to the both of you now isn't important to one or the other so it makes seeing each other difficult. And sometimes people do change for the worst.

I guess I'm the type of person where I only have a few friends who I could be comfortable hanging with one on one. I like to have a group of people, at least 3, 2 other then myself, with me when I go out places. It just makes things more fun. And means I'm doing stuff by myself a lot because sometimes it's hard to get 2 people together and to agree on something to do.

I also have a problem with inviting people along to tag along when I have to go run errands. Like, I need to go over to St. Louis to pay my tuition. I REALLY don't want to go cause it will be a 2 hour round trip by the time I'm done. I could invite someone along, but I feel bad for dragging them into the situation just for me.

And then, the topic no one likes to talk about: breaking up with friends.

Have you ever had that friend who you weren't that great of friends with, but they thought you were their best friend in the world, when in reality you can't stand them? Yeah, I have. And I ended it. I don't have any regrets about it. I hate being fake friends towards people. And that's what I constantly was towards her. I was a fake friend because I secretly hated hanging out with her. Admittedly I let it go on for too long, which made the breaking up worse, but I needed it to happen. She's really rude and sarcastic towards me now, which is fine. She was always the littler person between the two of us, so I expect her to act childish towards me now, but I'm done and over with it.

.....

And I just got really hungry. Time for food!

Over and out ♥

TOM is visiting...

... and all of my problems usually boil down to that.

The stressing, the freaking out about nothing, the bloating.

And then I go and buy some new clothes and everything seems right in the world :)

OMG, I'm Dumb.

The next time I freak out about David.... Slap me. Or tell me to shut the fuck up and that he's a great guy and why are you worrying about him? He's never done anything to betray your trust.

I hate being a needy, winey girl.

So this morning David sends me a message on FB. He says he doesn't work today and to call him at 10. Cool! 2 hours later he sends me another message saying he got called into work and to call him on Monday. Awesome, he was being respectful of my time and feelings by letting me know he couldn't talk. Perfect, just what every girl wants if a guy can't hang out with her: to let her know well in advance and offer another time to get together.

*sigh*

He's an amazing guy. Then why do I freak out about him for no reason?

Because I'm about to start my period. That's why.

DAMN YOU HORMONES!!!!

But all is good now.

Over and out ♥

ANGST!!!

So I figured out why I'm so angsty lately.

David got on facebook the other day and said he was off to book his holidays (emphasis on the plural).

Ok... well... hes coming to see me, yes, but what is the other one?

Apparently he's going to Spain with the kids. Ok, cool.

So, whats the problem you ask?

Why didn't he tell me? I mean, he has been working to make extra money, which is awesome, but I thought it was cause it super expensive to fly him and 3 kids here.

But he does go there every year and really enjoys it.

I guess I just found it weird that he didn't tell me. I mean, he TECHINALY still hasn't told me. I just kind of read it in a comment convo between him and someone.

He tells me about everything else. I guess he didn't think it was that big of a deal.

I mean, it isn't.

Then why am I still thinking about this...

And why am I so angst ridden.

I want back that connection we had while I was there. I've said this before, but going there to see him ruined me for him. I've never been so happy and so loved and so comfortable. And once you leave that, everything else just pails in comparison.

I guess it also doesn't help that I don't have anything to do and he's busy doing a million things a day.

And why can't I relish in the little things right now. Like the great convo we had on thursday morning. Made me so happy.

I guess all this relates back to facebook. And how its dumb. Ugh.

And then I left him a cute facebook wall post and he shoots it down, kinda.

I said how I like that he's back on facebook and such and he said he's going to put the computer away cause its megans present for christmas. Period.... Ok, well, yeah, thats true, but I was trying to be cute.

And the kids did just break up for school so he's probably also busy with them. And will be.

.....

Things are going to be fine. There isn't even anything to worry about.

So why am I feeling this way?

He's great, he's stable, he's wonderful.... It's the distance. It always boils down to the distance. I hate being this far away from him.

But this summer we will be together. I know this. He's coming here.

Just have to keep reminding myself of this.

It's 4:03 and I can't sleep, with out you next to me, I toss and turn like the sea

Yeah, it's funny how things can change SO quickly.

Finally got a hold of David at 4am this morning. Had a VERY lovely conversation.

Best quote:

Me: "I keep thinking about what Sonia said in that message she sent me. I can deal with the fat comments and stuff, but she said I was a weirdo for loving the kids... Babes, you don't think I'm a weirdo do you?"
David: "Christina, if you're a weirdo, then I'm a weirdo."

Looks like we're weirdos together :D

Now I'm all giddy and can't sleep.

Also decided to not start the diet again until after the holidays. Much eating and drinking is going to ensue. The way I look at it is that I can start after New Years and do it all the way up until my birthday and my birthday, with all of the drinking and cake and merriment, will be my reward for losing weight. Sound good?.... Awesome.

I'm liking life right now.

The only way it could get better is if I had some pancakes and nachos from Denny's. But it's icy like a chilled beverage outside right now and I don't want my yummy pancakes and nachos to turn into Death Pancakes and Suicide Nachos. So, they will have to wait until further notice.

Over and out ♥

Bring Home That Money, Honey

So David got a job delivering pizzas and I'm super proud of him. He's using the money to give the kids an awesome Christmas and to help pay for coming here next summer. Problem, I haven't talked to him since Saturday. As far as I can tell, he leaves to go to work at about 4:30 and doesn't get home until about 12 or 1am. If I was him, I wouldn't want to talk to ANYONE when I got home.

So here's my feelings: I'm super proud of him and I KNOW that he's out working, bringing home that bacon for the kids (and me in some form) and not avoiding me. I'm also super disappointed cause I haven't talked to him in so long. I mean, we've went longer times with out talking, so that doesn't bother me. It's just that talking to him is the highlight of my day. And I feel like I shouldn't put so much emotional value into him, but I'm so in love with him. I can't help it.

I also feel, on some level, that if I don't think about him all the time that I'm not... caring about him enough. It's like when someone dies and you mourn TOO long over them. The dead person wouldn't want you to be all mopey about them dieing. They would want you to live your life. And that's how I feel about missing David: I should miss him, but not let it make me mope around the house all day cause he wouldn't want that.

.....

What else is there to talk about...

Oh, my diet starts back up today. I'm pretty excited because I KNOW I'm going to lose weight. I started out at... a certain number.... and I lost 21 pounds over the course of the whole thing. While I was off of it, I gained back 6 pounds. Not to shabby. So my total weight loss, as of right now, is 15 pounds. I'd like to lose about another 15-20 pounds this time around. That would put me at my high school weight, but not the lowest I was in high school. Exciting!

Over and out ♥

Time For an Update

So, as you can obviously tell, I came home from my wonderful trip alive and well and... well... how do I put this... more of a woman ;)

Anyway, the trip was amazing and meeting David was amazing as well. He is literally the sweetest man I've ever met. He's so attentive and caring and just.... AMAZING. I've never felt so comfortable around someone and connected. I seriously cannot wait until him and the kids come here this summer :D I was reading though all my posts before I left on the trip and I feel so silly for worrying so much. But worry is human nature.

I am glad that I went by myself. I feel like I accomplished something that not a lot of have people have done: traveling internationally by themselves. Well, rather, not a lot of people my age or from my area have done lol.

Not a whole lot has been going on in my life currently. Just trying to get things situated for my parents before I leave for school, which, these past days have shown me that I NEED to move over there. I had to go to orientation the past two days and was a wreck trying to maneuver through traffic in St. Louis those two days. I can't handle that everyday I had class. Also, my parents stress me out like crazy when I'm here. They are always up in my business being... nose and all parent-y. I'm 20. There are some things I don't want my parents to know about. Like the fact I got a speeding ticket the other day. Or constantly be watching over my shoulder when I'm up stairs, asking me what I'm doing every minute.

What else... I got the chickens ready for winter today. Stapled feed sacks over their windows, put the heater on their water container, more straw in the coop. But that's not really exciting.

I really wish it would snow A LOT. England has gotten 3+ feet of snow and I'm soooo jealous. I want a white Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, what do you guys want for Christmas? I, of course, would love to have a plane ticket to England for a week to spend with David and the kids. But... yeah, my parents wouldn't go for that.

I can hope, right?

Over and out ♥