Let's start with the Hate...
I hate...
...that the church catty corner to us has this LONG and LOUD song that the bell tower plays every day at 12 noon exactly. It lasts for at least 20 minutes. And I'm pretty sure its a song none of us have heard of.
...that the floor is so quiet. I took a shower last night at 12:30 and thought I was going to wake everyone up. It's too quiet up here.
...that my window has condensation on the inside of it.
...that we have no cable. What so ever. In any of the rooms. I mean, I've been surviving alright with out it. It helps to have a netflix account so I can watch TV shows instantly and Hulu helps, but its not the same as real TV!
...that I have to walk down to the commons area to use the stove. I know, this just sounds like lazyness, but I don't like talking to people sometimes and I don't like having to be out in the open when I cook. I feel like someone is gonna creep on me and be like "WHAT'CHA COOKING?!?" and I'll have to be like "uh.. hum.... stuff."
...that the garbage dumpster is right outside my window. Seriously, the other morning when it was being emptied, I thought the building was collapsing.
On to things that I love
I love...
...that I have my own space and can do whatever the heck I please with it.
...that it is so quiet up here. It makes me very much more inclined to get things done, like the massive amount of reading that I have to do every week.
...that no one bothers me. My mom doesn't even call that frequently, neither does my dad.
...that the walls are SUPER thick here. That means I can have my music up a little louder and no one will complain.
...that my classes are RIGHT below me. So even if I wake up 5 minutes before class starts, I can still get there on time. Also, I don't have to walk through the cold to get there :D
...that I don't live at home anymore. It's nice. I can go hang with friends and do stuff and my parents don't bitch about me about being out late. I mean, I still live at home, that's where my mail gets sent too. But the above mentioned is nice.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
6am Phone Calls
So I finally got go talk to David on the phone about all this nonsense. And, needless to say, it didn't help much.
In a nutshell, he said that he just don't have time for a relationship right now. He doesn't want anyone right now except him and the kids.
He also said that he hated that I called so much, but he couldn't pick up the phone and tell me that he didn't want to talk because of guilt. The phone would ring and ring and ring but he felt so guilty about not wanting to talk to me because he was tired after getting off work and was afraid of what I'd say to him that he just wouldn't pick up the phone and sit on the couch and cry.
Now... this makes me feel like shit. It makes me wish I wouldn't have called so much. And I told him that and he kept saying its not me, its him.
He also said that he's just starting to get a life back; he's making friends at work, he has the job that makes him feel like he's contributing to society. Which, ya know, I'm happy for him.
And he kept saying that it's not that he doesn't want me, it's that he doesn't want anybody.
....
I still can't help but take this to heart.
I my mind, if you love someone, you should want to be with them and try to make it work despite the circumstances. I was trying to be supportive of him and talk when ever he had time. And he says he doesn't have time and it's not fair to me.
But... I love him. And I want to make it work.... He just doesn't want anyone in his life right now.
In a nutshell, he said that he just don't have time for a relationship right now. He doesn't want anyone right now except him and the kids.
He also said that he hated that I called so much, but he couldn't pick up the phone and tell me that he didn't want to talk because of guilt. The phone would ring and ring and ring but he felt so guilty about not wanting to talk to me because he was tired after getting off work and was afraid of what I'd say to him that he just wouldn't pick up the phone and sit on the couch and cry.
Now... this makes me feel like shit. It makes me wish I wouldn't have called so much. And I told him that and he kept saying its not me, its him.
He also said that he's just starting to get a life back; he's making friends at work, he has the job that makes him feel like he's contributing to society. Which, ya know, I'm happy for him.
And he kept saying that it's not that he doesn't want me, it's that he doesn't want anybody.
....
I still can't help but take this to heart.
I my mind, if you love someone, you should want to be with them and try to make it work despite the circumstances. I was trying to be supportive of him and talk when ever he had time. And he says he doesn't have time and it's not fair to me.
But... I love him. And I want to make it work.... He just doesn't want anyone in his life right now.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Smile When Your Heart Is Breaking...
So, David broke up with me.
I know, completely out of the blue.
I can't talk to him until Wednesday cause his nephew is staying with him cause his car broke down, which is so dumb. And I told him so, via voice mail.
I honestly don't know what happened. He says that he wants time to figure out what he wants and that we should get realistic about our relationship. Also the distance is hard, which means that I'm not there to cuddle with him and have sex. Well, duh, it's hard on this end too, but I deal cause I know in the end he'd be worth it.
I just want answers. And I've thought about every possible thing he could be thinking until I start balling my eyes out, which just gets me no where.
And then for a few seconds, I feel happy knowing I have great friends and family, but then I sink back into depression that he's not mine...
David's mine. He's suppose to be mine. Not this dumb ass hole who is putting me through hell right now.
Is it weird to say that on some level I'm relieved? I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do after school, I can stay here and continue to get my BSN. I don't have to worry about getting a UK nursing license.
Weird enough, I was talking to Steve about all this today and he made me feel a million times better, but I guess he made me realize that I was putting up with a lot of crap from him. The not calling, the not being there to talk.
Yeah, I know, he has 3 kids and a job, but we were making it work.
At least I thought.
I honestly don't know where all this is coming from. On his part. What the hell changed? What is he thinking? Was he thinking this for a while? Was he pressured to do this? Does he just wanna go out and fuck some girls then be done and come crawling back to me?
I'm so fucking done thinking about this. You think someone is perfect for you, you finally found that one perfect guy who knows everything about you and understands you and makes you feel like a queen, then he goes and does something like this OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE.
I don't get it.
I just want answers... and closure...
And to have him here next to me so I can hold him one last time.
Over and out ♥
I know, completely out of the blue.
I can't talk to him until Wednesday cause his nephew is staying with him cause his car broke down, which is so dumb. And I told him so, via voice mail.
I honestly don't know what happened. He says that he wants time to figure out what he wants and that we should get realistic about our relationship. Also the distance is hard, which means that I'm not there to cuddle with him and have sex. Well, duh, it's hard on this end too, but I deal cause I know in the end he'd be worth it.
I just want answers. And I've thought about every possible thing he could be thinking until I start balling my eyes out, which just gets me no where.
And then for a few seconds, I feel happy knowing I have great friends and family, but then I sink back into depression that he's not mine...
David's mine. He's suppose to be mine. Not this dumb ass hole who is putting me through hell right now.
Is it weird to say that on some level I'm relieved? I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do after school, I can stay here and continue to get my BSN. I don't have to worry about getting a UK nursing license.
Weird enough, I was talking to Steve about all this today and he made me feel a million times better, but I guess he made me realize that I was putting up with a lot of crap from him. The not calling, the not being there to talk.
Yeah, I know, he has 3 kids and a job, but we were making it work.
At least I thought.
I honestly don't know where all this is coming from. On his part. What the hell changed? What is he thinking? Was he thinking this for a while? Was he pressured to do this? Does he just wanna go out and fuck some girls then be done and come crawling back to me?
I'm so fucking done thinking about this. You think someone is perfect for you, you finally found that one perfect guy who knows everything about you and understands you and makes you feel like a queen, then he goes and does something like this OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE.
I don't get it.
I just want answers... and closure...
And to have him here next to me so I can hold him one last time.
Over and out ♥
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
3rd Day Of School (I Wish I Had More Clever Titles)
I'm going to stop fretting over stuff I can't control until much later.
If it's meant to happen, it will happen.
And I have a loving and caring boyfriend who supports me no matter what.
That helps a lot :D
Now I'm sitting here waiting for it to become 3:55 so I can walk the 30 steps down the hall to go to the dorm residents meeting.
I still don't know everyone on my floor, except the girl who is next to me and the guy across the hall from me. There are 6 people down on this end of the hall and I think 7 or so on the other end.
I feel kind of ackward not socializing with everyone, but... there's not much to do besides sit around and talk. So....... yeah. lol
That's about it.
Over and out ♥
If it's meant to happen, it will happen.
And I have a loving and caring boyfriend who supports me no matter what.
That helps a lot :D
Now I'm sitting here waiting for it to become 3:55 so I can walk the 30 steps down the hall to go to the dorm residents meeting.
I still don't know everyone on my floor, except the girl who is next to me and the guy across the hall from me. There are 6 people down on this end of the hall and I think 7 or so on the other end.
I feel kind of ackward not socializing with everyone, but... there's not much to do besides sit around and talk. So....... yeah. lol
That's about it.
Over and out ♥
2nd Day of School
I guess this is the post that I really don't want to write about, but if I want to stick to my new years resolution of getting all my rattling thoughts out and down on paper (or blog), then I need to write.
So last night I was up extremely late researching what it would take me to get a nursing license in the UK. To meet their minimum standards, I'd have to basically get a BSN which would mean another 2 years of school on top of the two years that I need to go through.
This made me horribly, HORRIBLY depressed last night. I started crying and frantically trying to call David.
I eventually got to sleep, but I had a awful dream that David broke up with me via facebook, saying that he couldn't deal with me and my situation with school and calling him all the time.
I then woke up, breathed a sigh of releaf, but was still depressed.
I guess today I've been thinking what else I could do after I got out of school in the UK. I can work for about 6 months here and then go over to Newcastle and try to find a job. There are other things I can do, like do something in the health care field that doesn't require certification (via UK standards). I could do that for about a year or so and see how things work out. Also, it's much easier to move to the UK and get a job if you have someone sponsor you. I could then continue my education there, which would take about 2-3 years if I went full time, and get my certification.
But why I didn't want to write this post is because finding out all this made me seriously question my relationship with David. I mean, I know I need to talk to him about this, maybe not for a while, but it made me wonder if it's even worth it if there is the possibility that we might not even be together for another 4 years.
In 4 years I'll be 25 and he'll be 47. Who knows if he'll still want more kids by then. We had a conversation a while back about me moving to the UK and he was worried that I'd be giving up to much. My feeling is that if I had a job secured, a place to live, and a loving potential husband that I'd have no problem moving there. Yeah, I'd be giving up everything familiar to me, but my friends and family can still come visit and we have facebook and skype to keep in contact with.
I guess my biggest concern is getting a job in the UK. I feel that if I landed a secure job there that everything else would fall into place.
I also feel like I shouldn't be worrying about this currently.... but I can't help that I am.
*big, long, big, big, sigh*
Everything will work out the way it's suppose to.
I just need to believe it.
Over and out ♥
So last night I was up extremely late researching what it would take me to get a nursing license in the UK. To meet their minimum standards, I'd have to basically get a BSN which would mean another 2 years of school on top of the two years that I need to go through.
This made me horribly, HORRIBLY depressed last night. I started crying and frantically trying to call David.
I eventually got to sleep, but I had a awful dream that David broke up with me via facebook, saying that he couldn't deal with me and my situation with school and calling him all the time.
I then woke up, breathed a sigh of releaf, but was still depressed.
I guess today I've been thinking what else I could do after I got out of school in the UK. I can work for about 6 months here and then go over to Newcastle and try to find a job. There are other things I can do, like do something in the health care field that doesn't require certification (via UK standards). I could do that for about a year or so and see how things work out. Also, it's much easier to move to the UK and get a job if you have someone sponsor you. I could then continue my education there, which would take about 2-3 years if I went full time, and get my certification.
But why I didn't want to write this post is because finding out all this made me seriously question my relationship with David. I mean, I know I need to talk to him about this, maybe not for a while, but it made me wonder if it's even worth it if there is the possibility that we might not even be together for another 4 years.
In 4 years I'll be 25 and he'll be 47. Who knows if he'll still want more kids by then. We had a conversation a while back about me moving to the UK and he was worried that I'd be giving up to much. My feeling is that if I had a job secured, a place to live, and a loving potential husband that I'd have no problem moving there. Yeah, I'd be giving up everything familiar to me, but my friends and family can still come visit and we have facebook and skype to keep in contact with.
I guess my biggest concern is getting a job in the UK. I feel that if I landed a secure job there that everything else would fall into place.
I also feel like I shouldn't be worrying about this currently.... but I can't help that I am.
*big, long, big, big, sigh*
Everything will work out the way it's suppose to.
I just need to believe it.
Over and out ♥
Monday, January 3, 2011
First Day Of School
Ever since I was in kindergarten, I've gotten horrible stomach pains via my anxiety for the first day of school. This year was no different in that respect, but different in the fact that I'm out of the house and living in a dorm!
I've been at home for the past 2 years of college and it's worked out pretty well. But lately I've found myself butting heads with my parents A LOT on issues like cleaning, staying out late, drinking, and that stuff. It's time for me to be out of the house for a bit.
Moving into the dorm was pretty painless. I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my right arm from lifting stuff and opening so many packages of stuff.
But after 4 hours of organizing and such, I was done!
My first night was good. Slept soundly.
And my first day of class was good also.
......
All in all a good first day of school!
That's not that exciting, but I like it that way... for now :)
Over and out ♥
I've been at home for the past 2 years of college and it's worked out pretty well. But lately I've found myself butting heads with my parents A LOT on issues like cleaning, staying out late, drinking, and that stuff. It's time for me to be out of the house for a bit.
Moving into the dorm was pretty painless. I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my right arm from lifting stuff and opening so many packages of stuff.
But after 4 hours of organizing and such, I was done!
My first night was good. Slept soundly.
And my first day of class was good also.
......
All in all a good first day of school!
That's not that exciting, but I like it that way... for now :)
Over and out ♥
Saturday, January 1, 2011
New Years Resolutions 2011
Alright. I'm going to make an list of New Years Resolutions and then at the end of 2011 I'll see how well I stuck to them.
1. Lose some more weight: I really would like to try and get down to my goal weight this year, which is I think 130 or something like that, but I feel like that will never in a million years happen because of my body type. So lets say that over the course of 2011 I'd like to drop at least 100 pounds and I feel that if I stick to the my HCG diet I can obtain this goal. I lost a total of 15 pounds the first 15 days I was on it, so if I did that, plus the maintenance time in between, I think I could hit that losing 100 pounds mark. And, as always, the goal is to maintain the weight loss!!!
2. Get good grades in school: I think one of the big factors in me accomplishing this goal is moving into the dorms at school. I don't like the environment at my house anymore. It just breathes... uneasy-ness. And plus, when I'm home, there are so many things to distract me, like my parents or chores, and I think that having that taken away and only doing those things on the weekend (or every other weekend hopefully) will help to really let me focus on school.
3. Have David and the kids come to America: I've been saving like crazy so that he doesn't have to foot the bill for everything when he comes here or pay for me everywhere we go. Plus he got that new job, which in my opinion was a extremely smart decision on his part, to help earn more money for the kids and their trip here. And he'll make it here, I know he will :D
4. Try to blog at least every other day: I'm not going to be extremely strict on this one, but I want to try and blog every other day, or at the very very least once very 3 or 4 days. I've found that blogging really helps me get out my thoughts onto paper and out of my head where they like to rattle around for days and days. One they're extracted from my brain, I can relax and then revisit those thoughts later and assess them, which usually leads me to say "Wow, I was so dumb for thinking that." It's also a kind of therapy. Like what happened this week with finding out things about a certain person, I really don't think I would have gotten over that so quickly if I hadn't written down every single little emotion and hateful feeling I was feeling. Of course I didn't post any of it -- that post is safely tucked away in my drafts box only to be revealed later when I write my book some day.
5. Read a book a month: I really feel like this is another attainable resolution for myself. I'm not going to have a TV in my room at school because we don't have cable in our rooms so I didn't see what the point was in bringing a TV only to get 5 channels. I have my laptop to watch DVD's and I have Netfilx on my computer plus Hulu for all my regular TV watching pleasures, so that other free time I think I'll fill up with reading books. So far I know I want to read "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer, "Decision Points" by George W. Bush and "An Abundance of Catherine's" by John Green. Which one should I start with though? Hmmm.... I think I'll bring all 3 to school and decide.
6. Make my first year being 21+ as awesome as possible: I want to drink green beer on St. Patricks day, I want to have a beer on Mardi Gras, I want to drink at my family gatherings and not have people scold me for it, I want to not have to sneak alcohol around and be able to walk into Shop N' Save and buy any kind of alcohol I want. All this and more will be accomplished in 2011.
7. Stay in touch with my close friends as they move across the globe: While I was in the UK last October, I met some amazing Aussies and New Zelander's. I would really like to keep in contact with them. I also have close friends who are moving to Japan whom I really want to stay in contact with also. I've got friends and relatives all across the US and my boyfriend lives in England (but we've gotten long distance communication down pat, so nothing to worry about there) and I just want to keep all these amazing people close to me even if we're far away. Facebook makes this relatively simple to do, but I'd like to at least send my friends a letter once or twice while they're in Japan. As for my friends who are away at school, I'd like to keep in contact with them as much as possible, especially my bestie Michelle. She's an incredibly busy person, but I'd still like to keep in contact more with her in 2011 then I did in 2010.
8. Have God come back into my life more: I'm someone who considers them selves more spiritual than religious. I don't like sitting through church early in the morning, I find praying out loud in front of people to be uncomfortable, and sometimes I get a vengeful attitude (especially as of late). It's not that I've pourpously turned my back on God, it's that I haven't let him into my life as much. I'd like to fix this in 2011 starting with praying more. I'm going to have a lot of hard times coming up over these next 2 1/2 years and I want something to help guide me along when I seem to fail.
9. Have another vegetable garden: I extremely enjoyed harvesting my own vegetables last summer and I really want to do it again this summer.
And last, but not least...
10. I want to spend Christmas 2011 with David and the kids: This is a really long term goal that will require much money, planning, and coercing of my parents. But if David can get here this summer, I don't see why I wouldn't be able to go see him for Christmas :D
Over and out ♥
1. Lose some more weight: I really would like to try and get down to my goal weight this year, which is I think 130 or something like that, but I feel like that will never in a million years happen because of my body type. So lets say that over the course of 2011 I'd like to drop at least 100 pounds and I feel that if I stick to the my HCG diet I can obtain this goal. I lost a total of 15 pounds the first 15 days I was on it, so if I did that, plus the maintenance time in between, I think I could hit that losing 100 pounds mark. And, as always, the goal is to maintain the weight loss!!!
2. Get good grades in school: I think one of the big factors in me accomplishing this goal is moving into the dorms at school. I don't like the environment at my house anymore. It just breathes... uneasy-ness. And plus, when I'm home, there are so many things to distract me, like my parents or chores, and I think that having that taken away and only doing those things on the weekend (or every other weekend hopefully) will help to really let me focus on school.
3. Have David and the kids come to America: I've been saving like crazy so that he doesn't have to foot the bill for everything when he comes here or pay for me everywhere we go. Plus he got that new job, which in my opinion was a extremely smart decision on his part, to help earn more money for the kids and their trip here. And he'll make it here, I know he will :D
4. Try to blog at least every other day: I'm not going to be extremely strict on this one, but I want to try and blog every other day, or at the very very least once very 3 or 4 days. I've found that blogging really helps me get out my thoughts onto paper and out of my head where they like to rattle around for days and days. One they're extracted from my brain, I can relax and then revisit those thoughts later and assess them, which usually leads me to say "Wow, I was so dumb for thinking that." It's also a kind of therapy. Like what happened this week with finding out things about a certain person, I really don't think I would have gotten over that so quickly if I hadn't written down every single little emotion and hateful feeling I was feeling. Of course I didn't post any of it -- that post is safely tucked away in my drafts box only to be revealed later when I write my book some day.
5. Read a book a month: I really feel like this is another attainable resolution for myself. I'm not going to have a TV in my room at school because we don't have cable in our rooms so I didn't see what the point was in bringing a TV only to get 5 channels. I have my laptop to watch DVD's and I have Netfilx on my computer plus Hulu for all my regular TV watching pleasures, so that other free time I think I'll fill up with reading books. So far I know I want to read "The Host" by Stephenie Meyer, "Decision Points" by George W. Bush and "An Abundance of Catherine's" by John Green. Which one should I start with though? Hmmm.... I think I'll bring all 3 to school and decide.
6. Make my first year being 21+ as awesome as possible: I want to drink green beer on St. Patricks day, I want to have a beer on Mardi Gras, I want to drink at my family gatherings and not have people scold me for it, I want to not have to sneak alcohol around and be able to walk into Shop N' Save and buy any kind of alcohol I want. All this and more will be accomplished in 2011.
7. Stay in touch with my close friends as they move across the globe: While I was in the UK last October, I met some amazing Aussies and New Zelander's. I would really like to keep in contact with them. I also have close friends who are moving to Japan whom I really want to stay in contact with also. I've got friends and relatives all across the US and my boyfriend lives in England (but we've gotten long distance communication down pat, so nothing to worry about there) and I just want to keep all these amazing people close to me even if we're far away. Facebook makes this relatively simple to do, but I'd like to at least send my friends a letter once or twice while they're in Japan. As for my friends who are away at school, I'd like to keep in contact with them as much as possible, especially my bestie Michelle. She's an incredibly busy person, but I'd still like to keep in contact more with her in 2011 then I did in 2010.
8. Have God come back into my life more: I'm someone who considers them selves more spiritual than religious. I don't like sitting through church early in the morning, I find praying out loud in front of people to be uncomfortable, and sometimes I get a vengeful attitude (especially as of late). It's not that I've pourpously turned my back on God, it's that I haven't let him into my life as much. I'd like to fix this in 2011 starting with praying more. I'm going to have a lot of hard times coming up over these next 2 1/2 years and I want something to help guide me along when I seem to fail.
9. Have another vegetable garden: I extremely enjoyed harvesting my own vegetables last summer and I really want to do it again this summer.
And last, but not least...
10. I want to spend Christmas 2011 with David and the kids: This is a really long term goal that will require much money, planning, and coercing of my parents. But if David can get here this summer, I don't see why I wouldn't be able to go see him for Christmas :D
Over and out ♥
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