Smile When Your Heart Is Breaking...

So, David broke up with me.

I know, completely out of the blue.

I can't talk to him until Wednesday cause his nephew is staying with him cause his car broke down, which is so dumb. And I told him so, via voice mail.

I honestly don't know what happened. He says that he wants time to figure out what he wants and that we should get realistic about our relationship. Also the distance is hard, which means that I'm not there to cuddle with him and have sex. Well, duh, it's hard on this end too, but I deal cause I know in the end he'd be worth it.

I just want answers. And I've thought about every possible thing he could be thinking until I start balling my eyes out, which just gets me no where.

And then for a few seconds, I feel happy knowing I have great friends and family, but then I sink back into depression that he's not mine...

David's mine. He's suppose to be mine. Not this dumb ass hole who is putting me through hell right now.

Is it weird to say that on some level I'm relieved? I don't have to worry about what I'm going to do after school, I can stay here and continue to get my BSN. I don't have to worry about getting a UK nursing license.

Weird enough, I was talking to Steve about all this today and he made me feel a million times better, but I guess he made me realize that I was putting up with a lot of crap from him. The not calling, the not being there to talk.

Yeah, I know, he has 3 kids and a job, but we were making it work.

At least I thought.

I honestly don't know where all this is coming from. On his part. What the hell changed? What is he thinking? Was he thinking this for a while? Was he pressured to do this? Does he just wanna go out and fuck some girls then be done and come crawling back to me?

I'm so fucking done thinking about this. You think someone is perfect for you, you finally found that one perfect guy who knows everything about you and understands you and makes you feel like a queen, then he goes and does something like this OUT OF FUCKING NO WHERE.

I don't get it.

I just want answers... and closure...

And to have him here next to me so I can hold him one last time.

Over and out ♥